Out of India

written on August 11

A week and a half has passed since I landed in the United States. And still, I feel the emotional pangs of readjusting to be back in my native land.

I have been able to spend time with family and friends again. I spend a lot of time with mom and her animals: horses, dogs, cat. I visited my brother Chad, watched Ant-man with him, and sat with him in his darkness at this time in his life. I get to see my sister and her kids. I got to skype with Ann! I met Allison for lunch. I spent a weekend with Ash and Dave, working in their yard and giving them my best cheesy jokes.

I get to go to church now, every week. And the temple is so close by. All the buildings have air conditioning. And Walmart has so much more than anyone needs.

But at night, when I'm alone and I hear the crickets chirp, I remember playing ringball with Krishna and Yugi, and walking in to the office every morning to have Seetha put flowers in my hair. I miss so many things.

I'm not really sure what else to say about being home. I cherish seeing my friends and family again. It gives me such joy to know that I can play Scrabble with my mom, give Ann a call, and see my nieces and nephews grow up. On the other hand, I am always wondering what my family in India is doing, and how I as a privileged U.S. American can go back into this society where we think we are the entire world and obsess over things like Cecil the newest iPod model. When people ask the dreaded, "How was India?" question, what am I to say? And how can I fully describe my experiences? I was only in India for a couple of months, and thus feel so silly to have grown attached to it, but I made so much effort to truly live there. I feel like I was there for years.

Last Night

My last night in India. Luckily, I have the room to myself. It's almost ten. I hear the whirring of the fan, the hum of the air conditioning unit, and the chirps of the crickets outside.

I still think I made the right decision in coming home early, (think is the word), but I already miss it here. There is something in this country, in this land, that I have never before felt, and I cannot place my finger on it. Whatever it is, I connect with it. I see myself in it. I love it. And I almost cry knowing that in less than 24 hours, I will no longer be among it.

I absolutely love my friends here. I used to think I was a good friend. But they have taught me the meaning of friendship. And they have taught me love. I have found connection in a place where logically I'd never expect to. Back home, in a place where logically I'd expect to find belonging among people who look like me and speak my language, I have a much harder time of finding true human connection. Even talking with Celine and Stephane sometimes disrupts my soul and my peace.

I don't like being with foreigners here, even if I am one. How is it going to be when I'm surrounded by them? By U.S. Americans? I fear the disconnection I will feel once I am home. Amidst the advertisements, the superficiality, the weight loss, the plastic surgeries, the cars, the electronics, the big highways.

I love it here. I miss it already. How can I go back after I have felt the simplicity of loving and genuinely living? How can I move on, when I have found such life here?